People keep talking about their own personal hells. Little things in their lives that drive them batty. Those noisy neighbours, annoying little brothers(oh if you only knew) and jams make the list. But then I started thinking. What if hell was also based on country? What if we went to hell as per nationality? What then would the Kenyan version of hell look like? Here’s my take.(of course you wanna know)

So I know you’re expecting fire and brimstone but of course that’s not the case. Kenyans aren’t exactly known for conforming. In keeping with our current crises someone will have messed with all the sulphur and so the fierce heat that hell is known for will be reduced to a toasty warmth. In keeping with tradition, some big cats in hell will have taken up all the prime sulphur fields and settled their people thus holding everyone else hostage.

The theme music playing everyday for eternity will be Taarab(yeah I can see you wincing already) with a reggea remix of Soulja Boy’s ‘Superman’. For the majority of the people the biggest punishment here will be the rules. Michuki will seem like a new born kitten compared to this. Traffic rules will be enforced and corruption will be outlawed so guys will actually have to earn stuff. So yeah for a big portion of the people this is going to be a novel idea that they will have a hard time adjusting. Worst hit will be pedestrians who have never known any kind of rules. Ever heard of jay walking? Yeah I didn’t think so.

Rules will start with proper language rules where and a huge smelly bone will be hung around the idiots who can’t remember not to start every English sentence with ‘Si..,’. There will also be a huge number of people leaving this hell for other hells in search of a better afterlife. As long as you’re in any other hell, you’ll be deemed ‘overseas’. This is even if you’re in the Tanzanian hell which is superpolite. The devil actually asks for your permission before torturing. Loads of ‘tafadhali’ and ‘asante’ here.

The usual suspects will be here. Politicians and anyone else who utters the word ‘mwananchi’ or ‘wanjiku’. They’re usually up to no good. Surprisingly(or maybe not so surprisingly) those guys who preach in public transport will be there. You know……the ones who wait for you to fall asleep after a hard day’s work before launching into a crazy diatribe about how you’re going to hell. Well this is fate’s form of dark humour. A twist where the world says ‘fooled you, huh?’ The police and city council workers will be housed in a special section where they’ll be having a running competition to see who can steal from the other more. As punishment, there’ll be a telly screening mats and lorries flouting rules in a lawless world. Under the screen would be a total calculation of how much they’re losing in bribes. That should keep them occupied for a while.

Despite this, the relative number of actual Kenyans in hell will be few. Not because we all have halos and wings but rather because the devil will feel like we’ve been through enough punishment as a country. Things will be so bad here in the country that the lines for people actually wanting to hell will be many. Many will have to be turned away.

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