We are a country of whiners. Even you. If you are reading this and you are Kenyan then it is you I’m talking to. We complain a lot. It’s what we do. Who we are. We have that gene that somehow just allows us to go on and on about what is going wrong with our lives and then blaming it all on the government. Rains failing? Naomba serikali………People taking our islands? Naomba serikali…….Athletes committing suicide/getting murdered? Naomba serikali……

The government has borne the brunt of complaining Kenyans who have turned that ‘naomba serikali’ refrain into one of the most popular phrases only behind ‘Haki yetu’ and ‘Tutang’oa reli’. And so we will take a look at some of the things that the government has been blamed for. Usually I play the part of the devil’s advocate but today I represent the defence. And before you as a jury, I will prove that my client, GOK, is not not guilty but rather innocent.

Is that us?

The prosecution has pointed to the high fuel prices in recent weeks. Your honour this is all perspective. While you blame the government you can look at it as the fact that everyone else isn’t working hard enough. Yeah get off your butt, work a few more hours and earn money to  afford fuel. My client was just weeding out the weak. And the fuel shortage? Your honour have you seen how many people have been taking advantage of Terrific Tuesday? People were just getting too fat so GOK rolled out a scheme to encourage people to walk to work. We are now a healthier nation. You’re welcome.

My client has offered this country free education. FREE. Yeah you didn’t complain about that, did you? We even made more secondary schools into national schools so those kids can feel more special. Accusations that these changes are merely cosmetic are nothing but fallacies and this shall be seen when some nursery schools will be turned into university colleges. Because those kids are important to us.

Infrastructure has been of key concern to GOK. Those of you complaining about the potholes obviously haven’t read the policy paper on making roads more eco friendly. It’s also a tourism attraction by adding to the lakes and craters we already offer. Too many ministers? Are we really still on this? Vision 2030 clearly outlines how we are going to raise the living standards of this country. We need a legitimate way to make people millionaires because obviously these game shows aren’t working.

Insecurity? We caught Osama. Oh wait, that wasn’t us. But then Obama was born in Kenya (we have confidential proof at Pumwani Mr. Trump) so yeah that’s that. Health? This is our biggest success story. GOK has scrapped morgue fees. Raise your hand if you’re not gonna die. You’re welcome. Now you don’t have to worry about that. Free coffins coming your way soon. Those complaining about sharing beds in hospitals haven’t noticed that the cold season is here with us. That way we are saving on heating bills and also helping people to find a date for those lonely nights.

So jury members don’t let people confuse you with big words like corruption and unemployment and inflation. They sound made up, don’t they? It’s because they are. Wanjiku just needs to vumilia or do something about it. And with that I rest my case. Naomba serikali……..Oh my bad.