Tag Archive: funny

We are a country of whiners. Even you. If you are reading this and you are Kenyan then it is you I’m talking to. We complain a lot. It’s what we do. Who we are. We have that gene that somehow just allows us to go on and on about what is going wrong with our lives and then blaming it all on the government. Rains failing? Naomba serikali………People taking our islands? Naomba serikali…….Athletes committing suicide/getting murdered? Naomba serikali……

The government has borne the brunt of complaining Kenyans who have turned that ‘naomba serikali’ refrain into one of the most popular phrases only behind ‘Haki yetu’ and ‘Tutang’oa reli’. And so we will take a look at some of the things that the government has been blamed for. Usually I play the part of the devil’s advocate but today I represent the defence. And before you as a jury, I will prove that my client, GOK, is not not guilty but rather innocent.

Is that us?

The prosecution has pointed to the high fuel prices in recent weeks. Your honour this is all perspective. While you blame the government you can look at it as the fact that everyone else isn’t working hard enough. Yeah get off your butt, work a few more hours and earn money to  afford fuel. My client was just weeding out the weak. And the fuel shortage? Your honour have you seen how many people have been taking advantage of Terrific Tuesday? People were just getting too fat so GOK rolled out a scheme to encourage people to walk to work. We are now a healthier nation. You’re welcome. Continue reading


Jaguar’s song has been ringing in my head for some reason. Not because Jaguar is known for his lyrical prowess but because of the “vuka border” bit. We have all started looking at the borders rather jealously. Don’t get me wrong. I’m a proud Kenyan. The thought of living amongst polite, Swahili spewing Tanzanians tickles me. Uganda is not an option. I can’t live in a country where walking to work means I’ll end up in the hospital. I also find it annoying that they try to convince me to say ‘Champala’ when it’s clearly written Kampala. We can read dummies. Fork jembe.

But the last week has just been a sad one to be Kenyan. While everyone was busy awwwing over the royal wedding and high fiving each other over the death of some random guy who likes to play with matches, things started falling apart. We are a country under siege. The Ugandans are trying to steal our islands. It’s like a weird case of toys at the playground. Uganda is that petulant kid who just wants stuff that doesn’t belong to them. Up north, Ethiopians are busy massacring Turkana residents and our response to this is to write a protest note. What in heaven’s name is a protest note? I’m imagining the president tore off a paper from his exercise book and quickly scrawled, “By the way tumejamabout hii story ya kudedisha wasee wetu. Sareni.”

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We love to gossip. The idea of finding out something about someone behind their backs just keeps the world going. Extra points if the ‘someone’ portrays a completely different image of who they are. So yeah it’s less fun when we find out that Jeff Koinange is a massive egomaniac but much better if we find out that he has a love child with Bishop Margaret Wanjiru. Wink wink. I’m not saying it’s true……..

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The end of the year is typically a time when most people write about how sucky or awesome their year has been while they do a review and plot impossible resolutions. This year we’l do it a little differently. How about we simply get you ready for the best of what 2011 will have to offer.Yes, ladies and gentlemen.I have that kind of power.

These will be the top Kenyan headlines in the coming year. Stay tuned. If you don’t believe me then you are probably smarter than you look. If you do then read on;

2011 renamed to 2010 (2.0). After much deliberation by world powers it will be decided by that 2011 just sounded pretty weird as the name of a year. Thus no one would really want to say it hence the whole planet would skip it and simply repeat the previous year.

Raila becomes PM of Ivory Coast. After being designated as a special mediator to broker a peace deal in the West African state, Agwambo becomes PM in a unity government that doesn’t have any Ivorians in the government. Consequently the country becomes a Kenyan county and is renamed ‘Bondo Coast’. Continue reading


People keep talking about their own personal hells. Little things in their lives that drive them batty. Those noisy neighbours, annoying little brothers(oh if you only knew) and jams make the list. But then I started thinking. What if hell was also based on country? What if we went to hell as per nationality? What then would the Kenyan version of hell look like? Here’s my take.(of course you wanna know)

So I know you’re expecting fire and brimstone but of course that’s not the case. Kenyans aren’t exactly known for conforming. In keeping with our current crises someone will have messed with all the sulphur and so the fierce heat that hell is known for will be reduced to a toasty warmth. In keeping with tradition, some big cats in hell will have taken up all the prime sulphur fields and settled their people thus holding everyone else hostage.

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The Commonwealth Games are  over. I don’t really understand the games to begin with. The British are so awesome at what they do. I can so imagine the reigning British monarch sitting around a table and going Hey Charles you know how we colonized these people? You know what? We should see if we can make them run, jump and swim every four years. That should teach them who’s boss. And we do. Every four years without fail. Let’s see Obama try that with his hope and ‘yes we can’.

But yeah while I might seem to criticize the games in themselves, I’ve found myself watching them. Then I got angry when I noticed that the games were rigged in favour of the same country. Looked at the medal standings recently? Yeah the Britons are somewhere near the top. Though Australia must be enjoying kicking their rear ends. I can imagine them going like Serves you right for calling us crooks. But yeah some of the games are totally pointless. As Kenyans, we simply sit back and watch some of them and shake our heads in disbelief. And they call us weird? Continue reading

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