Tag Archive: Kibaki


TOP TEN EXCUSES OVER FPE SCAM


Since there is so much heat being thrown around by the media over the Ksh 4.2 Billion (Dear Mr. Uhuru Kenyatta that is read as 4.2 billion Kenya shillings not Kenya shillings 4.2 Billion) I decided to take a moment and reflect. Sam Ongeri has categorically stated that he will not resign over this scandal and his PS is denying that there is one to begin with. (Hakuna pesa imeibiwa)

This morning Prof. Sam said he has no power as a minister to investigate the scam (which is true. He is paid over a million shillings to look pretty in parliament) He has left it to the police who we, as Kenyans, trust implicitly to sort this out in a very short time….like how they have sorted out AngloLeasing, Goldenberg (still hunting down Pattni? Watch him preach on Sunday morning) and even the Samuel Wanjiru debacle. (he jumped..no he was pushed..no he is still alive)

But until then here are a few suggestions for the minister and PS to use for when those pesky journalists ask annoying questions about the missing money. This might come in handy.

1. Missing? What do you mean missing? Who is missing it?

2. Kama it’s Free Primary Education then how can there be money to pay for it?

3. Hizi ni story za Hague. Ocampo is out to get us. We are a sovereign nation.

4. Vision 2030 calls for bigger and better things. Hata scams get bigger and better.

5. At least it’s not 4.3B.

6. It’s because we have a gay Chief Justice.

7.Count to 4.2 billion then I will explain.

8. Me no speak English. No seriously, I have no idea what your inquiry concerns.

9.Wait. What’s that? Look behind you. For real. Look.

10. Ati where did my 52 new BMW’s come from? Who wants to know?

Sam I think you are innocent by the way…….I’m on your side. Obviously the money is still there. It is just invisible to the naked eye (read mwananchi wa kawaida or wanjiku.) Stick to your guns. Remember when Kimunya said he’d rather die than resign? Well I have been to his grave lately.

 

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We are a country of whiners. Even you. If you are reading this and you are Kenyan then it is you I’m talking to. We complain a lot. It’s what we do. Who we are. We have that gene that somehow just allows us to go on and on about what is going wrong with our lives and then blaming it all on the government. Rains failing? Naomba serikali………People taking our islands? Naomba serikali…….Athletes committing suicide/getting murdered? Naomba serikali……

The government has borne the brunt of complaining Kenyans who have turned that ‘naomba serikali’ refrain into one of the most popular phrases only behind ‘Haki yetu’ and ‘Tutang’oa reli’. And so we will take a look at some of the things that the government has been blamed for. Usually I play the part of the devil’s advocate but today I represent the defence. And before you as a jury, I will prove that my client, GOK, is not not guilty but rather innocent.

Is that us?

The prosecution has pointed to the high fuel prices in recent weeks. Your honour this is all perspective. While you blame the government you can look at it as the fact that everyone else isn’t working hard enough. Yeah get off your butt, work a few more hours and earn money to  afford fuel. My client was just weeding out the weak. And the fuel shortage? Your honour have you seen how many people have been taking advantage of Terrific Tuesday? People were just getting too fat so GOK rolled out a scheme to encourage people to walk to work. We are now a healthier nation. You’re welcome. Continue reading

WASEE, TUVUKENI BO…ODA


Jaguar’s song has been ringing in my head for some reason. Not because Jaguar is known for his lyrical prowess but because of the “vuka border” bit. We have all started looking at the borders rather jealously. Don’t get me wrong. I’m a proud Kenyan. The thought of living amongst polite, Swahili spewing Tanzanians tickles me. Uganda is not an option. I can’t live in a country where walking to work means I’ll end up in the hospital. I also find it annoying that they try to convince me to say ‘Champala’ when it’s clearly written Kampala. We can read dummies. Fork jembe.

But the last week has just been a sad one to be Kenyan. While everyone was busy awwwing over the royal wedding and high fiving each other over the death of some random guy who likes to play with matches, things started falling apart. We are a country under siege. The Ugandans are trying to steal our islands. It’s like a weird case of toys at the playground. Uganda is that petulant kid who just wants stuff that doesn’t belong to them. Up north, Ethiopians are busy massacring Turkana residents and our response to this is to write a protest note. What in heaven’s name is a protest note? I’m imagining the president tore off a paper from his exercise book and quickly scrawled, “By the way tumejamabout hii story ya kudedisha wasee wetu. Sareni.”

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E! is just one of those channels that makes you feel like you are gradually getting dumber every single time you watch it. I can actually feel brain cells sizzle and die each time my remote somehow tricks me into switching channels. It’s true. It’s actually caused a strained relationship between us. I don’t understand why I would wanna know the effects of Justin Beiber’s new haircut or how Natalie Portman’s baby bump is awesome or whether or not Robert Pattinson is faking his humility. The long and short of it is  that I end up wanting to stab myself with something ridiculously blunt.

But then again you don’t have to turn to E! to get the best of entertainment with respect to reality television. On this side of the globe, we call it the news and we have servings all through the day.  The antics of this great nation are plastered on the half hour shows called bulletins where drama meets stupidity and then the two are introduced to craziness. Place it against all those shows on E! and that stuff looks like it was made for kindergarten. Now, Kenyan reality? That’s for the big boys. That would win a Grammy, Oscar, Golden Globe and Emmy every single year. Continue reading

WIKILEAKING……


We love to gossip. The idea of finding out something about someone behind their backs just keeps the world going. Extra points if the ‘someone’ portrays a completely different image of who they are. So yeah it’s less fun when we find out that Jeff Koinange is a massive egomaniac but much better if we find out that he has a love child with Bishop Margaret Wanjiru. Wink wink. I’m not saying it’s true……..

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HEADLINES IN 2011


The end of the year is typically a time when most people write about how sucky or awesome their year has been while they do a review and plot impossible resolutions. This year we’l do it a little differently. How about we simply get you ready for the best of what 2011 will have to offer.Yes, ladies and gentlemen.I have that kind of power.

These will be the top Kenyan headlines in the coming year. Stay tuned. If you don’t believe me then you are probably smarter than you look. If you do then read on;

2011 renamed to 2010 (2.0). After much deliberation by world powers it will be decided by that 2011 just sounded pretty weird as the name of a year. Thus no one would really want to say it hence the whole planet would skip it and simply repeat the previous year.

Raila becomes PM of Ivory Coast. After being designated as a special mediator to broker a peace deal in the West African state, Agwambo becomes PM in a unity government that doesn’t have any Ivorians in the government. Consequently the country becomes a Kenyan county and is renamed ‘Bondo Coast’. Continue reading

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