THE BOYFRIEND FILES: PROLOGUE

Hi. My name is BF and I am a boyfriend. Ok. If you just laughed while pointing at me then you are probably single and haven’t gotten laid in a while. If you winced and shivered at the ‘B-word’ then you are probably a veteran of the game. You have probably seen the tears and tantrums and experienced the confusion that surrounds the very essence of the term. But if, on the other hand, you sighed with relief then you are the person this column is written for. You have probably just landed that new girl and she held your hand which in your head means you’re going steady. The relief was because you just found out you’re not the only boyfriend around.

Well young man, the loneliness ends now. There are many of us out there. Living in the shadows. Unable to confess to our friends and families that we belong to this dreaded society that are referred to as ‘couples’. It’s a mine field fraught with danger, intrigue and ………….well mines. Heed my words. I do not claim to be an expert. Far from it. I have just been on this road longer but now I invite you to walk with me. I will teach you the ways of the boyfriend. How to survive. How to live. But first thing’s first, how do you know you are her boyfriend.

THE BOYFRIEND FILES: THE TALK!!

I guess you want to understand women. Well the truth is you never will. They are like Supaongea, you never understand how it works, you just go along with it and enjoy the parts that work for you. My lady of the house is an enigma wrapped up in a deluge of confusion. Point in case. After pursuing her for months and getting shot down time and time again, I finally got her attention by calling her ‘the ugliest woman I’ve ever met’. For my troubles I got a slap and more attention. See? Totally senseless.

Ok so I guess by now you have figured that you are with this girl but until the talk is done, you will never be sure. You are sure to get the whole ‘I don’t see a ring on this finger’ speech when her facebook update still shows her being single months after you started dating. The talk is the ugliest and most awkward thing ever invented. Actually it comes in second. Most awkward has to be waking up to find yourself cuddling with a man after drinking all night. But that’s a long and uncomfortable story that I’m still getting therapy for.

So. The Talk. Contrary to common thought, the talk doesn’t have to be verbal. It is a contract which goes beyond words. So yeah you can be an adult about it and sit down and go through with it the old fashioned way or you could indulge in the more cutting edge approach. Curious? Here are the options you have at your disposal and the pros and cons;

BOYFRIEND FILES: WHERE NOT TO MEET GIRLS

The census burst the collective bubble of the Kenyan male. Yeah. I know. The women aren’t as many as we all thought. But keep the faith. Maybe the recount in Turkana will give us more women so prepare to warm up to nomadic in-laws. But yeah it’s getting harder and harder to find the right woman and I find myself kicking myself for having taught you how to tie your laces before showing you what shoes are. So where are these elusive women hiding? Over the years, guys have come up a list of where to find the perfect woman but even these are turning out to be tough sells. So we’ll examine the ‘traditional spots and the issues with them.